The Pensioners' Paradox
by Nneave
Summary: SEQUEL to 'The London Experiment' so please read that first otherwise it will not make sense. This is set as the gang reach retirement age, and involves character illnesses although not death. It's really about how they come together as a family and support each other when things are tough. Ultimately all ends well.
1. Chapter 1

**Hard chapter to write, maybe harder to read. Just remember; I like happy endings.**

**Set many years in the future although I have tried to remain true to their original characters but this is set in the future and they are now much older so I have tried to reflect that.**

**Please, Please don't apologise for only reviewing once or only now and then. One review is appreciated no matter how small, please don't feel guilty, I'm so grateful. If you can or have taken the time to leave a comment, even a quick one – THANK YOU x**

Penny sat on the edge of the bed staring at her hands. She wanted to call Leonard, she wanted to tell him to come home but she didn't want to tell him until she had to. For all his strength he was still a worrier and this was something he couldn't just fix and she wasn't ready to deal with his fears when she felt so overwhelmed by her own. Instead she sat there going over and over in her head what the Doctor had told her, she remembered some of the words: early detection; radio and chemotherapy; survival rates; and the C word.

She was still sat there two hours later when Leonard got home; they were both semi retired now but he still did some bits and pieces at the University and today he'd been invited to unveil their new laser; he may be in his 60's but he was still a kid at heart and the opportunity to play with a new gadget was too good to miss. She saw him drive up as she watched through their bedroom window, she smiled when she saw their eldest daughter Shelly pull up behind him; they were so close, and so alike, Penny loved her daughter; she was a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful young woman and mother, but she loved her just as much because of how much she reminded her of Leonard. Shelly was based at the University now, a professor of physics in her own right, Leonard and Shelly had spent an endless number of meals discussing, arguing and debating the latest research over the dinner table; until Penny would threaten to withhold dessert unless they calmed down. They would both grin lopsidedly at her and say they were passionate not angry; she'd smile back indulgently and pass around the chocolate cake or ice-cream as they started up again.

Penny took a deep breath and put everything out of her mind, as she came downstairs to greet them with a smile, Leonard came in and greeted Penny distractedly with a kiss on the cheek as he shook of his jacket and headed to warm his hands on the open fire; he would never get used to England in February. Penny watched as he turned to warm his back on the fire, trying to defrost, he caught her eye and winked at her, grinning.

"Hey mum," her very English sounding daughter greeted her with a quick hug.

"Hey guys, coffee's on. Shelly, are you staying for dinner?" Penny asked moving into the open plan kitchen.

"No, I can't, I have to pick the boys up from the childminder tonight, Gary is at rehearsals until 9; I promised them a movie and a pizza as a treat. We'll be over Sunday for dinner, unless you and dad want to come to us for a change?"

"Oh we can't this weekend we're meeting up with everyone in London remember?" Penny told her as she started to stir the stew she had on a low boil.

"Is that this weekend?" Shelly asked her with a frown, "Oh, I thought it was next."

"No, next weekend is the awards ceremony in Oxford that I'm _desperately_ trying to avoid. You know lots of stuffy old professors talking science and blah blah blah – because I don't get enough of _tha_t at home." She said glancing at her daughter as she rolled her eyes dramatically in a teasing voice.

"Hey!" Leonard exclaimed smiling as he walked through into the kitchen to cuddle his wife from behind as she stirred their dinner. "How can you say that, when the last one in Oxford went so went so well?"

"Ugh, if you two are making out, I'm off to stick my head in an oven" Shelly joked, secretly proud of how close her parents' relationship was.

"Oh hey, while I think of it," Leonard began as he moved to the island counter and started to pour the coffee for everyone, "I was wondering if you fancied coming to see the Frankton exhibit over Easter, it's in Liverpool. Penny what do you think? Shelly, the kids are off school so I thought we could invite your brother Howie, Jo and their kids and make a short vacation out of it. What do you think?"

"No. I er, I don't think we can" Penny said simply, staring down at her mug of coffee for a second before getting up from the counter to stir the stew, putting her back to the others so no-one could see her face. "Besides I'm sure I heard Joanne say they might be going to her parents for a few days. Maybe we better wait and see." She tried to sound casual but to her own ears her voice sounded forced. Leonard frowned slightly and glanced at Shelly who shrugged slightly to show her surprise at Penny's reaction. "How did the opening go?" Penny asked hoping to change the subject. Leonard and Shelly then proceeded to explain at great length how the new laser would be asset to the university, although they obviously had different ideas on which research should receive priority access, but it took the focus off Penny and for that she was grateful.

It wasn't until much later that night, when they were snuggled up on the sofa that Leonard finally remembered her strange reaction. He pulled her closer to him protectively and started to stroke her hair. She sensed what was coming but she was glad he had waited until now. "Penny. Is everything okay? You seemed a little distracted today and..." he stopped when he realised actually he wasn't sure what he was going to say. Usually if she was distracted it was because of something obvious like a book launch or because she was caught up with planning their next adventure; this time he didn't know the reason and it bothered him. "...well, is everything okay?"

She sighed and pulled out from under his arm, twisting on the sofa to look at him she took his hand "No," she told him simply, "it's not."

She explained about the lump she'd found in her breast last weekend when he was in Iceland, how she thought it was nothing but went and got it checked just to put her mind at rest. She told him she'd forgotten about it until she got a call from the Doctor today asking if she could come in. She told him what she remembered of what the Doctor said, that they were lucky, it had been caught early, and that she was still young and... She stopped when she realised she wasn't sure what to say; she just felt so numb.

For the worst three seconds of her life, Leonard said and did nothing. She could see the colour had drained from his face and the battle of emotions reflected in his eyes as he struggled with the implications of what she had told him. He pulled her to him and held her tightly, trying to put his thoughts in order.

"But you, I mean we...we can beat this right?" He asked her shakily, "I mean you said it was early stages, we...we have options? we can look at treatments...er...maybe talk to Bernadette about what drugs her company..." he was babbling, but couldn't stop; he wanted to scream.

"Shhhh. Leonard don't..." Penny told him softly, "Please don't do this, I ..."

"Don't what? Don't look at options? Don't discuss treatments?" he knew he was panicking and he knew it was the wrong thing to do but right now he couldn't think of what else to do; he couldn't lose her. He had to fix this.

"Leonard stop." He could tell she was close to tears so he fought down the need to pace the room and call every Doctor and specialist in this country and the US. "I need you to not freak out on me, because I'm barely holding it together right now and..." her voice shaking, "...and if you fall apart, I don't think I can get through this."

Her words brought everything back into focus for him, and he swallowed his own fear and just held her and told her everything would be okay, while she cried. He tried desperately to just keep breathing when he felt as though his world had just collapsed around him.

They made love slowly that night, as Leonard tried to put all his love into that one tender act. They lay in each other's arms afterwards, just taking strength from the closeness they felt. Eventually, Penny drifted off to sleep but Leonard just stared at the ceiling for hours, going over and over in his head how unfair it was. Eventually, not wanting to disturb her, he eased himself out of bed and went downstairs to make a drink. Not bothering with the coffee machine he turned on the kettle and dug out the instant de-caf as it started to boil. He stood stirring the coffee, not really seeing what he was doing as the waves of panic and fear washed over him; he just kept coming back to the fact that it wasn't fair. They worked hard, they were good people, Penny was good people, they didn't deserve t his – she, didn't deserve this. Getting angry now he resisted the urge to pace; he wanted to hit something. For the first time in his life he actually wanted to fight, to hit out and hurt someone or something as he was hurting; but he knew that wasn't who he was: so instead he went into his office at the back of the house and broke things. He threw the empty mug first, enjoying the satisfying crash it had made but he needed more. Next he smashed a lamp, just punched it right off the table, before sweeping all his books and papers right off the desk; scattering them across the room. He punched and kicked out at the filing cabinet several times, not noticing the pain, just anger and hatred. Anger at everything: the unfairness; at universe; at a God he didn't really believe in; at everyone and everything. Hatred that he couldn't fix this, that no matter how well this ended the next few months she was going to suffer and there was not a damn thing he could do to prevent it. He tore into his bookcase, knocking treasured volumes off the shelves not caring, he turned and swept everything off the window ledge and hurled the carriage clock at the mirror hoping it would smash into tiny pieces that would somehow cut him so badly he would pass out with the pain. Instead it slid down and knocked down the one thing left on the mantelpiece; the one thing he wouldn't touch. He stopped suddenly ashamed, the anger gone, as he walked carefully through the debris of his office and picked up the photo frame. He sat down heavily in his big office chair and just looked guiltily at the picture of Penny and himself on their wedding day.

He didn't remember Sarah taking the picture; but then he hadn't seen anything but Penny that day. He knew it was taken towards the end of the evening, the music had died down and people were starting to leave, but he just hadn't wanted that night to end. They'd been dancing slowly in each other's arms when he'd learned forward and whispered a question about this something blue she'd mentioned earlier, she'd giggled naughtily just as Sarah took the snap, oblivious to the conversation between them. He'd never told anyone the story behind that smile; but whenever someone remarked how happy they looked, how radiant and in love, he would thank you them with a cheeky grin and a twinkle in his eye as he thought of their first night as a married couple.

He stared at the picture of the two of them, so full of hopes and dreams for the future that they didn't think anything could stop them; and now... As the tears finally began he drew up his knees onto the chair and cried, sobbing desperately, rocking himself gently as he hugged the picture of them in Hawaii.


	2. Chapter 2

When the tears finally subsided Leonard looked around the room ashamed at himself for not holding it together. He knew it wasn't about him, this was something she was going to have to go through but for the first time it had occurred to him that they wouldn't live forever: that one day one of them would be alone and, he didn't think he was brave enough for it to be him.

He glanced at the clock and realised it was nearly three am, he thought about his friends; desperate to reach out to someone. He knew Sheldon would be no help, he loved his oldest friend but he'd just be clinical; giving him statistics and facts about treatment and survival, when really he just needed to talk. He briefly considered his options and respective time zones, and called Howard; more than half hoping he would get Bernadette.

"Hey Howard, how you doing?" He asked trying to sound better than he felt.

"Hey Leonard. How's the weather? Let me guess: cold?" he could hear the mirth in Howard's voice; he hadn't changed after all these years. "So what's up?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Leonard said suddenly realising that he couldn't tell anyone, not without talking to Penny first; did she want anyone to know? Should they tell the children first...? Deciding all he needed was just to connect he tried to keep his voice light. "Couldn't sleep, just checking in, making sure we're still on for the weekend."

"Are you kidding?" Howard went on to regale him with stories of Bernadette's frantic shopping and packing over the last few days, and how if she tried to fit anymore into their suitcases they would need an extra plane. Leonard smiled, he needed the normalcy right now, to hear about the mundane everyday stuff and feel grounded again. Howard started to tell him a story about how he'd found himself banned from the local supermarket following a disastrous, but totally innocent incident involving a bottle of hair conditioner, a turnip and pillowcase. Leonard laughed along as his friend told him of his discomfort as he pictured a furious Bernadette explaining at great length why she thought Howard was a complete and total idiot.

Leonard felt so much better after their conversation; he felt renewed and ready to do whatever it took to get through the next few months. He looked at the wreckage of his office and made a decision; he walked out the room, closing the door behind him and walked up to bed, where he spent the rest of the night cuddling his sleeping wife.

Leonard woke up to hear Penny moving around the kitchen, he glanced at the clock – after 9 o'clock, he stretched out in the bed, groaning as he remembered the state his office was in and wondered if he'd be able to sort it before Penny noticed; probably not he decided. He rolled out of bed and headed into the bathroom. A little while later he came down to the smell of coffee and bacon. "Hey, you let me sleep in," he accused Penny as he kissed her and poured himself a cup of coffee before sitting down at the tale.

"Yeah, well, I figured you didn't sleep too well and maybe you deserved it." She smiled reassuringly at him.

"Did I wake you?" he asked apologetically, "I'm sorry babe, I tried real hard not to."

"No, you didn't," she assured him, "but I know you pretty well old man." She smiled as she brought their food over, pausing for a kiss. She didn't mention the shock she'd had when, despite buying a whole box last week, she'd gone hunting in his office for a pen. She'd opened the door and just stopped, just staring at the devastation around her. She'd been tempted to start sorting it, to re-shelve books and belongings so he didn't have to. It upset her to know he'd been so distraught that he'd decimated his sanctuary, the one place that was just his in the whole world. The one place he could break everything without causing her more pain or anguish; as though all his anger was for himself - that broke her heart. But she knew Leonard: she knew the chaos of the room reflected his own thoughts and emotions at that time, and she knew he would be ashamed of his actions; as though he was letting her down somehow by a moment of weakness. So as tempted as she was, she'd closed the door and pretended not to notice.

"Oh, I need a couple of bits from the shops, I was thinking of walking into the village after breakfast for a few hours. Wanna come?" she asked him as she refilled their coffee cups.

"Umm..." he pretended to think about it. "Actually I have a couple of things I need to do for work before we leave. You go on and I'll pick you up on the way through to the clinic if you want?" Penny could tell see the relief in his face that he might get away with it; Penny loved her husband but he should never play poker...


	3. Chapter 3

Leonard took Penny to the oncology appointment later that day and held her hand as the Doctor explained the treatments he would recommend, the procedures and what to expect over the next few months. They were both quiet as they thought through what it would mean, they each asked questions the other hadn't thought of, taking it all in calmly; still unsure it was real. They headed to London late that afternoon and were just settling into their hotel room when Amy and Bernadette came looking for Penny.

"Hey Leonard" Amy greeted him cheerily, "the guys are in Howard and Bernadette's room if you want to join them."

Leonard smiled at Amy's lack of subtlety; he'd always had a soft spot for Amy in a kind of brotherly way. He admired the way she managed her relationship with Sheldon. She stood up to him when she needed to, she'd stayed with him knowing they would never have the physical relationship that she would like, she accepted him as he was, somewhere between quirky and bat-shit-crazy and spent her life helping him cope with the world around him. She understood him far better than anyone and he knew that if it wasn't for Amy he would have had serious reservations about leaving Sheldon and coming to London. It wasn't that he responsible for Sheldon, but knowing Amy would care for him, maybe better than he could, had taken the guilt out of the decision. He paused as he realised Amy had followed him out to the hallway.

"Leonard? Step carefully with Sheldon won't you. He's finding this very difficult; we nearly didn't come."

Leonard nodded knowing immediately what she was referring to. It had been nearly a year now since Howard had called them in the middle of the night to say Sheldon had had a stroke. They'd wanted to fly back but Amy had asked them not to; although Sheldon responded well to treatment he was struggling with the resulting weakness along one side which was affecting his speech. Over the following weeks and months Sheldon had undergone physiotherapy to improve the strength of the muscles but he still found talking both difficult and very frustrating. His mental capacity, his genius was still there, but he could no longer express himself as easily as not only did it take a great amount of physical and emotional energy but he felt self-conscious; embarrassed that the great Sheldon Cooper was, in his own opinion, somehow...less.

Leonard smiled and nodded that he understood, but he could see her apprehension. "Amy, we know how hard this is for him, we love Sheldon too. It will be okay, I promise." He told her with more confidence then he felt. She tried to smile despite her frown, but she nodded and headed back into the room.

Leonard headed down the hallway to Bernadette and Howard's room and found the guys bantering away. Raj and Howard were discussing the new Doctor in Doctor Who compared to their personal favourites. The Doctors' for their age group had been Peter Davidson and Colin Baker but Howard preferred David Tennant; Raj thought Paul McGann was underrated and had cut a fine figure however; Sheldon, via his computer, informed them they were all wrong. That the great Peter Cushing OBE was obviously the superior Doctor; how could one of the greatest actors who ever lived; a Shakespearean actor who'd appeared in Star Wars, the Hammer Horror series and even played that lovable detective Sherlock Holmes be anything else?

Leonard smiled indulgently as his friend informed them they were stupid – it was just like old times; until you realised he now did it via a small computer that 'spoke' the words he typed with his right hand into a keypad on his left sleeve. Leonard shook his head, amused as he realised artificial voice was that of Leonard Nimoy.

Penny had opened some wine and they were now relaxing and catching up on each other's lives before rejoining the guys for dinner in the restaurant in a couple of hours. They chatted easily about work and family, what they had been up to recently and even how bad the flights were. Eventually Penny cautiously asked how Sheldon was doing. "Well, he's okay considering." Amy told him slowly, " The - and I'm using laymen's terms, physical damage is relatively minimal, however he has weakness on the one side including his facial muscles, which is greatly affecting his speech."

"Oh, no that's terrible, how's he coping?" Penny asked concerned.

"Not well. His speech is a little garbled but understandable yet he refuses to talk in front of people because he gets so frustrated with the time it takes to express himself. I was so worried about his mental wellbeing, I got Howard to design a programme and rig it up to a computer voice simulator which he can still operate with his good side but, and he would never admit it, he's really quite vulnerable right now.

"Poor Shelly." Penny murmured using the pet name only she got away with.

"Yes, and I have to say I'm worried that this weekend may be too much for him. He's afraid that he will no longer be the life and heart of the group." Amy told him sincerely not noticing Penny's look, "and I think how the Leonard and Raj treat him will be key to his recovery."

They thought that over quietly for a moment. "Well, I know Leonard is looking forward to seeing him, and I know he'll do his best to make him feel comfortable." Penny smiled trying to reassure her.

The boys were reminiscing about the old days in Pasadena and gently teasing each other. They were remembering Raj's inability to speak to women; Howard asked if now that he had a wife, 4 daughters and a couple of granddaughters it ever felt like he couldn't speak again or was it just that he couldn't get a word in. A slightly defensive Raj responded with comments about Howard dressing like a pimp for nearly ten years. Leonard tried to stick up for him but ended up being told after he'd spent the same ten years either following Penny around like a love-sick puppy or worshipping from afar, he had no room to talk by a laughing Howard. Leonard smiled good naturedly but noticed Sheldon wasn't joining in. Trying to think of something to draw him into the conversation he asked, "Hey Sheldon, can you believe we're the same guys that were living between that tiny apartment, the comic book store and work, eating takeout food every night?"

"Of. Course. I. Can. Believe. It. We. Are. Those. Guys." Sheldon told him with a dramatic sigh. Howard had told him that when using the voice machine Sheldon felt the need to over-compensate his words with visual expressions and gestures. Howard had been the only one living close to Sheldon for around 20 years and Howard had become much closer to Sheldon, who had struggled without the friendship he'd shared with Leonard. Although he wouldn't say it out loud, Sheldon would not have coped as well as he had, especially since the stroke had it not been for Howard's encouragement, humour and patience; he was grateful...but also a little resentful of Leonard abandoning him: he was supposed to be his best friend.

Howard tried this time, "Oh come on Sheldon, look how far we've all come."

"Yeah," Leonard enthused, "the paper you published last year was just so inspiring..."

"Inspiring? Inspiring. Is. A. Polite. Way. Of. Saying. Full. Of. Crap." Sheldon typed.

"...and look at us Sheldon," Howard chimed in trying to head things off, "I half expected to die sad and alone but look at us all. Still happily married, still...

"I'm. Aware. Of. That. Howard. But. Unlike. You. I'm. Still. Trying. To. Live. My. Life."

Howard and Leonard exchanged glances for a second before Howard tried again to smooth Sheldon's feathers. "Sheldon, we're not saying our journey is over, just" he shrugged "just, that we've come quite far from where we started."

"Yeah," Leonard tried to help mollify him, "did you ever think when you were a kid in Texas, you'd end up a world famous physicist, see the world and get married?"

"Yes." Sheldon considered with a frown, "Well. Maybe. Not. The. Marriage. Part."

"Or" piped up Howard, "did you ever think Leonard and Penny would sort it out after she ran off to England?"

Sheldon considered for a moment, clearly not ready to let it go. "You're. Welcome. Leonard."

Leonard frowned at him, "For what?"

"For. Keeping. Penny's. Secret... You. Said. Yourself. That. Your. Relationship. Wouldn't. Have. Worked. Without. It."

Leonard was far more confident in himself and in his relationship but somehow in his current state of mind, he was the old insecure Leonard again. "What secret?"

Howard could feel the tension building again and he could hear the strain in Leonard's voice; please let this be something stupid that's Sheldon thinks is a big deal, Howard thought to himself. He could guess why Sheldon was over reacting, he knew how hard it was for him seeing everyone, wondering if they were pitying him, or looking down on him. Howard knew they wouldn't do that – and deep down so did Sheldon, but until he came to terms with his own situation he would be unable to see past his disability. However he was surprised at Leonard; they'd spoken a few times about how sensitive Sheldon was and how important it was to keep him motivated and feeling positive and although he knew Sheldon was bating Leonard, he was a little disappointed to see Leonard reacting to it.

"What secret Sheldon?" Leonard repeated, in a hard voice.

Sheldon looked uncomfortable, sensing maybe this was one of those lines he sometimes crossed, he looked sideways at Leonard. "Nothing. You. Don't. Already. Know. Now." He told Leonard, "Just. That. Penny. Came. Back. From. London. And. Found. You. In. Bed. With. Leslie. Winkle."

For a second everyone was quiet, then Raj piped up, "You had sex with Leslie Winkle after Penny ran off to London?" he asked shocked. "Kudos" he said grinning and nodding to himself.

"You knew? You knew she was back and you never told me." Leonard said his voice rising as he stood.

"You. Were. Having. Coitus. With. Leslie. Winkle...I. Thought. You. Had. Moved. On."

"Of all the, Sheldon! You knew how much I was hurting, why? Why didn't you say something?"

"I. Thought. I. Did. The. Right. Thing...Penny. Said..."

"Forget what Penny said," Leonard interrupted angrily, "You were supposed to be MY best friend, you should have told me."

Sheldon said nothing for a moment, just looking at Leonard, Sheldon's face had begun to twitch as it always had when Sheldon was stressed but Leonard couldn't help wondering guiltily if it was from the stroke and he realised Sheldon was right, it didn't matter anymore and taking his anger at Penny's diagnosis out on Sheldon was unfair. He started to speak, to tell him he was sorry, but before he could Sheldon rushed from the room.

Leonard closed his eyes for a moment, knowing he was the one that crossed the line. After a moment Howard's voice broke through his thoughts. "Gee, well done at making sure he still feels at home, Leonard, perhaps if I go and find him we could give him a swirly too?"

Penny was sitting perched on the edge of the bed with a second glass of wine chatting with the girls when realising they had to go to dinner soon, she decided it was now or never.

"Hey guys, I need to tell you something but I don't want you to over react okay. I need you to just be normal" Penny frowned as she glanced towards Amy, "Or, you know, just be yourselves...but, not weird."

"Have you realised you're a lesbian and want to know if we will help you discover the love that is not spoken of?" Amy asked sounding hopeful.

Penny frowned and muttered something under her breath about that not feeling weird at all before raising her hands in front of her. "No guys, I really need you to listen. This is serious." She paused for a moment to see if they were paying attention. "I couldn't tell everyone at once, so Leonard is going to tell the guys before dinner. I thought I should tell you two myself..."She trailed off for a moment not sure how best to say it, after a few seconds she still wasn't sure, so just came right out with it.

"I have cancer," she told them simply. "breast cancer."

The two women just looked at her silently for a minute without saying anything, waiting for the punch line that didn't come. After a few moments Bernadette told her she was sorry, asked if she could do anything and what the doctors had said and if she was okay.

"Actually...I'm not too bad. I mean I'm nervous about treatment and a little scared but, you know, talking has helped, having someone who understands the science has helped...so I'm okay. You know, considering...I'm staying positive."

Not sure what to say the women just sat for a moment until Amy began, "Penny you know if I can do anything to help..."

"I know," Penny told her gratefully, "and thank you. But I really don't want to make too big a deal of it this weekend, you know. I just want to relax and catch up and... and feel normal. We haven't told the kids yet and I know they will fuss, Shelly is so like her dad, so I'll probably end up taking care of her... I just want to enjoy this weekend before I have to deal with all that."

Bernadette nodded taking that in before asking tentatively, "How's Leonard taking it?"

Penny took a big breath before answering. "He's okay, he's worried but he's trying to be brave about it all." She didn't feel she could tell them about his office without betraying him; after all if he wouldn't want her to know, he certainly wouldn't want anyone else to know.

Howard told Leonard it might be better if he went to find Sheldon and glumly, Leonard had agreed. Sheldon wasn't hard to find he was in his room packing to leave. It took a lot of persuasion on Howard's part to talk him into even listening to Leonard's apology and in the end he had agreed that if Leonard carried on being 'ridiculous', he would go home too. He knew exactly how Bernadette would react to that idea so he silently hoped that Leonard would just let Sheldon wash over him like he usually did. It's not like he couldn't see how hard this was on Sheldon, what had gotten into him he wondered. They headed back to the room and Sheldon followed Howard and stood by the door, with his arms crossed in a challenge, waiting for his apology.

Leonard stood and turned to face Sheldon, "Listen Sheldon, I'm sorry. I was out of line and...well, I'm sorry."

Sheldon considered for a moment. "And?" he asked expectantly.

Leonard took a deep breath; "I mean it Sheldon. I'm sorry I over reacted. It happened a long time ago and in the end it probably was for the best. Again, I'm truly sorry I acted like an ass; it's just...well...there is something I need to tell you."

"Please don't tell me you and Penny are splitting up because I don't think I can face you mooning around like that again" Howard warned only half joking.

"No, no. We're fine, in fact we're great, but." He sat on the edge of the bed as the others watched him as he took a deep breath, "Penny has cancer." He told them simply. "She starts treatment Tuesday." He looked at Sheldon. "I guess I was taking my...frustration, out on you. I'm sorry Sheldon."

No one spoke, no one moved. Sheldon just stared at Leonard. After a few seconds he turned and rushed out again, ignoring Leonard as he called his name.

Leonard just looked down for a second, feeling hurt and maybe a little resentful. He knew his friend was hurting too but he thought even he could understand how difficult this was for him and why he'd lost his temper.

It was Howard who broke the silence, coming over and putting his hand on Leonard's shoulder. "Man, I'm sorry. If I can do anything, you just..."

"I know," Leonard nodded sounding subdued, "and thank you. It means a lot knowing at least some of my friends understand."

"Leonard I'm sorry," Raj piped up, "I don't know what else to say."

"It's okay," Leonard shrugged, "nothing else you can say. At least you stayed and didn't run off in a sulk."

"Don't be too hard on him Leonard he's really not coping well and I think he feels kinda pushed out."

"I know, I know." Leonard told him sadly, "Do you think I should go after him this time?"

"No, give him some time to think it through and then I'll go find him," Howard told him before asking nervously "So, what's the plan, what did the Doctors say? I mean she's going to be okay right?"

Leonard shrugged as he sat down on the bed, "The Doctors are optimistic, they caught it really early and if the surgery goes well, they are expecting it to be 'just' radiotherapy not chemo, so you know, it's the best news you can get with cancer but..."

"But it's still cancer and radiation and surgery." Howard finished for him.

Leonard nodded silently for a moment. "I know it sounds stupid but I just never thought it would be us you know? I mean it took so long for me to accept I wasn't going to lose her to some guy...I just didn't see this coming. I just..." He stopped as his voice started to shake.

"Yeah, it kinda makes you think." Raj said almost to himself.

"I don't know how I'd feel if Bernadette got sick." Howard told him quietly, not able to think about the D word.

"I just never thought about it. I mean, I know we're not kids anymore but we're still healthy, we still have all our own teeth..." he tried to force a joke, "It's not even that I thought we'd live forever... I guess this just brought it home, that we're mortal after all." He was silent for a while before continuing, "You wanna know what the worst part is? I'm angry. I'm angry at the waitress that takes 30 seconds too long to bring the bill; I'm angry at some guy on the radio for being too happy; I'm angry that this is happening; I'm angry at Sheldon because of something that happened 20 years ago..."

Howard shook his head and interrupted, "that's normal, anyone would; it's not fair..."

"But it's not helping. Penny has been so brave and so strong and I'm the one falling apart." He closed his eyes and rubbed his face with his hands for a moment so no one could see his face.

"Leonard, I think you're confusing anger with fear. You're scared and I don't blame you, this is a big, big deal." At a tap on the door, Howard paused, asking Raj to answer it before he continued. "I think you're being too hard on yourself."

Leonard shook his head, "I don't know, I just feel like, like I'm letting her down you know." His voice full of emotion, "Penny needs me to hold it together and all I'm doing is falling apart and lashing out at people and that makes me angry too, but this time angry at myself."

Raj spoke "Leonard." He said trying to get his attention.

Howard looked up to see Sheldon standing in the doorway with a laptop just looking at him. "Listen Sheldon I..."

"Itts okee, Lenarrr." Sheldon told him slowly, with his own voice. He came into the room and showed Leonard the laptop tapping the screen urgently; it was full of information about the latest treatments, latest trials, how improving your diet can help with the sickness from the chemotherapy, and the telephone numbers of some of the top Doctors in the field.

Leonard just stared at it for a moment, before looking at briefly at Howard, then turned towards Sheldon dumbfounded. "Sheldon, I... Thank you." Leonard stopped, not sure what else to say he said it again, "Thank you, for this; it means a lot," he told him gesturing towards the laptop, realising that he really meant it. Sheldon may not have been as articulate as Howard and even Raj in their support, but for all his faults, Sheldon was _trying_. He was trying to help. He didn't always understand the feelings he had and rarely had empathy for anyone else's feelings but here he was, clearly concerned about Penny and trying in his own way to be supportive and fix it; more, he was forgiving of Leonard's distress and once that would have been unthinkable.

"I'll. Make. Some. Tea." Sheldon said moving to the kettle as he held up a small box of tea bags he must have brought with him. Leonard smiled as he watched his friend boil the kettle, again thinking about how far they had all come.

**This chapter feels awkward to me, I think I'm a little too far out of my comfort zone because stories normally flow straight from my head to the page, I can normally just write them out then tweak, but this has took days and I'm still not quite happy with it. Not asking for flattery, (although I do appreciate it), but any constructive criticism/comments would be especially welcome x**


	4. Chapter 3:1 missed a bit sorry

**Whoops! When I copied and pasted Chapter 3 ready to upload it I missed off this bit by mistake, it doesn't work with the next bit so I'm kind of gaffa (duct) taping it on the end...**

As they grabbed their jackets to meet the ladies for dinner, Leonard asked them not to make a big deal of things in front of Penny. He told them she didn't want to become 'Penny with cancer'; she wanted to just be Penny. This was the last couple of days of normality before her operation and then treatment and she wanted to enjoy it, with her oldest and closest friends. They guys had agreed silently, wanting to make things as easy as possible.

The men were already seated when the ladies joined them but they rose smiling to greet them and exchange hugs for those they'd not already seen, except Sheldon who just sat down staring at his napkin not speaking. Just as the others started to sit, Sheldon stood abruptly and rushed over to Penny, hugging her as he whispered as clearly as he could, "I love you Penny".

Penny was surprised. Sheldon may be more comfortable with physical contact now, but he never initiated it. She hugged him back smiling "I love you too Sheldon" she told him with tears in her eyes, "I love you too".


End file.
